See What You Made Me Do: Power, Control and Domestic Violence

See What You Made Me Do: Power, Control and Domestic Violence

  • Downloads:5633
  • Type:Epub+TxT+PDF+Mobi
  • Create Date:2021-05-06 06:53:24
  • Update Date:2025-09-06
  • Status:finish
  • Author:Jess Hill
  • ISBN:1760641405
  • Environment:PC/Android/iPhone/iPad/Kindle

Summary

At the office of Safe Steps, Victoria’s dedicated 24/7 family violence response call centre, phone counsellors receive a call every three minutes。 Many women are repeat callers: on average, they will go back to an abusive partner eight times before leaving for good。

‘You must get so frustrated when you think a woman’s ready to leave and then she decides to go back,’ I say。

‘No,’ replies one phone counsellor, pointedly。 ‘I’m frustrated that even though he promised to stop, he chose to abuse her again。’

Women are abused or killed by their partners at astonishing rates: in Australia, almost 17 per cent of women over the age of fifteen – one in six – have been abused by an intimate partner。

In this confronting and deeply researched account, journalist Jess Hill uncovers the ways in which abusers exert control in the darkest – and most intimate – ways imaginable。 She asks: What do we know about perpetrators? Why is it so hard to leave? What does successful intervention look like?

What emerges is not only a searing investigation of the violence so many women experience, but a dissection of how that violence can be enabled and reinforced by the judicial system we trust to protect us。

Combining exhaustive research with riveting storytelling, See What You Made Me Do dismantles the flawed logic of victim-blaming and challenges everything you thought you knew about domestic and family violence。

Download

Reviews

Debbie Quan

I would give this book 10 stars if I could。 It is that impressive。Jess Hill really reframes the way we have traditionally viewed domestic abuse, unpacking this complex issue and viewing it through multiple angles。 She delves deep into the psychology of abusers and victims, highlights the hurdles a lot of victims face within the Australian legal system, explains the shocking discrimination Indigenous Australians face and so much more。 Thoroughly researched and written with incredible compassion a I would give this book 10 stars if I could。 It is that impressive。Jess Hill really reframes the way we have traditionally viewed domestic abuse, unpacking this complex issue and viewing it through multiple angles。 She delves deep into the psychology of abusers and victims, highlights the hurdles a lot of victims face within the Australian legal system, explains the shocking discrimination Indigenous Australians face and so much more。 Thoroughly researched and written with incredible compassion and understanding, this is a must read。Please do not be afraid of this book, do read it and spread the word。 It really does transform how you think when you hear the term "domestic violence" and prompts us to ask instead of "why didn't she leave?" to "why did he do it?"。Do not be mistaken。 This is not a polemical book。 It humanises and gives insight into why perpetrators and victims can act how they do and how it can present to the outside world。 Jess Hill truly asks "why?" and does an incredible job in answering it。 。。。more

Lesley McNeill

An eye opening expose of Domestic Violence。 Everyone needs to be made aware of this book to be able to recognise domestic and family violence when they see it or suspect it。 Now a Television Three part series as well。 Jess Hill covers womens' stories, but also looks at questions of who is involved in domestic violence, who knows best what needs to be done, how do Police generally respond and why do men do it。 I find her proposition offered for why men (it usually is men) compelling。 She also loo An eye opening expose of Domestic Violence。 Everyone needs to be made aware of this book to be able to recognise domestic and family violence when they see it or suspect it。 Now a Television Three part series as well。 Jess Hill covers womens' stories, but also looks at questions of who is involved in domestic violence, who knows best what needs to be done, how do Police generally respond and why do men do it。 I find her proposition offered for why men (it usually is men) compelling。 She also looks at the history of domestic violence in Australia's white history, the occurrence among indigenous communities and she cites examples of positive programs to curtail and reduce domestic violence。 。。。more

Amanda Watkin

A phenomenally insightful book on domestic abuse in Australia。 I highly recommend this book to anyone。 It is well researched, well written and identifies larger scale projects that have worked to reduce domestic abuse rates to show what we might need to do next。 It is difficult Subject matter but so very important。 All the true accounts are written in a way that is factually accurate while being respectful to the people in the story and the reader。 Some of the most harrowing parts for me was not A phenomenally insightful book on domestic abuse in Australia。 I highly recommend this book to anyone。 It is well researched, well written and identifies larger scale projects that have worked to reduce domestic abuse rates to show what we might need to do next。 It is difficult Subject matter but so very important。 All the true accounts are written in a way that is factually accurate while being respectful to the people in the story and the reader。 Some of the most harrowing parts for me was not about the abuse but the lack of action or bias action from authorities。 Hill does a very good job addressing the issue of violence against men, mutual violence and fathers rights in custody battles as well and brings some clarity to the disparity in statistics and opinions。 These stories have stayed with me and I continue to think about how we can make real and lasting change in regards to this issue。 One of the best books I've read this year! 。。。more

Andrew Whalan

A sweeping study of the extent and effect of domestic violence across society and some suggested solutions。

Brenda Mobley

Important Domestic violence and homicide are not an easy subject。 This book gives much clarity about what survivors experience and how communities can help。 I found the chapters about Indigenous survivors and their communities to be especially valuable。 Both Australia and North America are discussed。 Once you start reading, you won’t be able to set it down。

Rowena Eddy

An important book, but a harrowing read, especially the chapter concerning the family court。 Recommended for those with a strong stomach。 The research is excellent and the presentation clear and cogently argued

Liam || Books 'n Beards

"When random breath testing was introduced, did politicians decide that if the majority of men surveyed in bars agreed that drink driving was a bad idea, the policy would be deemed a success?No, they would have been laughed out of parliament。 The only way to prove that RBTs were working was to measure their actual impact; a reduction in road fatalities。 Why do we accept anything less when it comes to domestic abuse?"SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO is an important book - a very in depth exploration i "When random breath testing was introduced, did politicians decide that if the majority of men surveyed in bars agreed that drink driving was a bad idea, the policy would be deemed a success?No, they would have been laughed out of parliament。 The only way to prove that RBTs were working was to measure their actual impact; a reduction in road fatalities。 Why do we accept anything less when it comes to domestic abuse?"SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO is an important book - a very in depth exploration into the people who perpetrate, and survivor, domestic abuse。More interestingly, from my perspective as an Australian, is that it focuses almost exclusively on cases and individuals from Australia which helps make it hit home a bit stronger。 It certainly made me look at my behaviour and assumptions。Quite confronting at times, my only real complaint is that Jess Hill is a journalist - and that sometimes, it shows。 I don't remember hearing a disclaimer that she hadn't changed wording of victim statements, etc。, and it may have just been because she was reading it and some of the stories sounded disingenuous from her voice - but a lot of the writing felt very much like a journalist selling a paper。This didn't detract too much from the overall message, which is powerful and more important now than ever before as we seem to be making steps in the right direction - we need to hear the stories of those who've survived or created domestic abuse, look at ourselves, and be better。I'm not sure I'd say I 'enjoyed' it, but it certainly sat with me for a long time after the credits rolled。 。。。more

Yee

This book covers every perspective - including some of the commonly overlooked areas by society regarding domestic abuse。 It begins with analysing the perpetrator's abusive mind and dissecting what other possible causes lead them to be an abuser。 From understanding the abuser's behaviours, the book discusses how victims being treated by the police and the family courts in a patriarchal society。 It brings us to the world of victims (mostly are women and children) and how victims' well-being is al This book covers every perspective - including some of the commonly overlooked areas by society regarding domestic abuse。 It begins with analysing the perpetrator's abusive mind and dissecting what other possible causes lead them to be an abuser。 From understanding the abuser's behaviours, the book discusses how victims being treated by the police and the family courts in a patriarchal society。 It brings us to the world of victims (mostly are women and children) and how victims' well-being is always ignored by the authorities。 Undertrained police in handling domestic violence and the failing of family court that adopts overrated 'experts' in custody cases have been well-exposed in the book。See What You Made Me Do: Power, Control and Domestic Violence by Jess Hill。 。。。more

Heather Browning

This is something I feel like everyone should read - exploration of a deep and widespread problem that we're only really beginning to wake up to。 It covers everything - from what abuse looks like, to why it occurs (which should not be read as apologist - there is an important difference between excusing and explaining, and the latter is so important for understanding and intervening), how our systems currently fall short, and how they might be improved。 Most horrifying were the accounts of the w This is something I feel like everyone should read - exploration of a deep and widespread problem that we're only really beginning to wake up to。 It covers everything - from what abuse looks like, to why it occurs (which should not be read as apologist - there is an important difference between excusing and explaining, and the latter is so important for understanding and intervening), how our systems currently fall short, and how they might be improved。 Most horrifying were the accounts of the ways in which the system continually fails to provide assistance or protection - women who continually turn to police only to be dismissed or blamed, children being sent to live with their abuser, despite begging not to。 It's hard to feel like such a broken system can be changed, but the book ends on a note of some hope, outlining strategies that have been or could be successful, if the right attention is paid and effort made for reform。 。。。more

Lucy Overall

Wow。 One of the most confronting & heartbreaking books I’ve ever read, but so so important。

Liz

This book is disturbing, eye opening and absolutely essential reading。

Bibliofreak

This is such a vitally important book。 It’s confronting, and triggering, but so worth it, even if you can only read it in small bites (which I had to)。

Romany

I didn’t want to read this because it was too confronting。 Then, a friend told me the stories were “worse than you could even imagine”。 It’s true, they are, and you should read this anyway。 Something has to change in Australia。 And soon。

Declan Lindsay

An amazing insight into the world of abuse and domestic violence, a very harrowing but very necessary read。 Everyone, particularly all men, should read this book。

TheBookWarren

4。50 Stars (rounded up for vital relevance of topic) — The content in this novel is downright jarring。 There is just no getting around this。 From page one, Hill nails the incongruous nature of domestic violence awareness in the Western world。 Full of anecdotal insights that will long stay with you, I found it hard to leave this one without at least several hours of intense and overt conscience-permeating thought and pondering。I need more time with this one to review further but suffice to say, t 4。50 Stars (rounded up for vital relevance of topic) — The content in this novel is downright jarring。 There is just no getting around this。 From page one, Hill nails the incongruous nature of domestic violence awareness in the Western world。 Full of anecdotal insights that will long stay with you, I found it hard to leave this one without at least several hours of intense and overt conscience-permeating thought and pondering。I need more time with this one to review further but suffice to say, this is quintessential 21st century literature of the highest order, Jess Hill deserves much acclaim, but her brave and heroic subjects deserve our time and alliance。 。。。more

Matt Cornell

Every one loves someone who is currently or has recently been mistreated and/or abused。 Who has suffered at the hands of a domestic mate。 This book is horrendously vivid。 Sad and enraging。 Written incredibly well, it validates victims lived experience by illuminating clearly the methods of coercive control, and updates notions of what a survivor can look like, not helpless, not fragile, but dismissed and minimised。

BookWorm

This is one of the most important books I've ever read。 I have an urge to buy multiple copies and hand them out to friends and strangers。 I thought I had a decent understanding of domestic abuse but this book was an incredible eye opener。 The book is so well researched and looks at issues from every angle。 I can't describe how meticulous the research is。 And the writing style is very accessible and gripping。 The content is at times horrifying and infuriating。 We need to see it all。 It was also v This is one of the most important books I've ever read。 I have an urge to buy multiple copies and hand them out to friends and strangers。 I thought I had a decent understanding of domestic abuse but this book was an incredible eye opener。 The book is so well researched and looks at issues from every angle。 I can't describe how meticulous the research is。 And the writing style is very accessible and gripping。 The content is at times horrifying and infuriating。 We need to see it all。 It was also valuable to read about the behaviour modification programs that are out there and having positive impacts。 Please read this book。 It's difficult but essential。 Thank you, Jess Hill for doing the work。 。。。more

Maree Kimberley

This is a tough book to read but so, so necessary。 Hill unpacks domestic violence in a way that is so thorough and so compelling that governments need to immediately take note and review current DFV policies and services in light of it。Brilliant and incisive but give yourself time to absorb it all。 Highly recommended to anyone who wants to understand more about the DFV crisis in Australia and beyond。

Katie Davies

Great, informative read and I enjoyed the balance showed at clearly having a passion and a pathway to change without focusing on blame。 Firstly that victims are not to blame and secondly that the focus for perpetrators is not blame but rather pathways to change。

Roslyn

The topic is, of course, very important and I was keen to see how Jess Hill presents her arguments。 Much has already been written about domestic abuse and, in particular, coercive control in intimate relationships。 However, I didn't like the unwieldy anecdote-style of the book。 Perhaps I found it virtually unreadable because I am more accustomed to reading research-based books that present their findings in a less cumbersome style。 But then again, Hill is a journalist, not an academic。 The topic is, of course, very important and I was keen to see how Jess Hill presents her arguments。 Much has already been written about domestic abuse and, in particular, coercive control in intimate relationships。 However, I didn't like the unwieldy anecdote-style of the book。 Perhaps I found it virtually unreadable because I am more accustomed to reading research-based books that present their findings in a less cumbersome style。 But then again, Hill is a journalist, not an academic。 。。。more

Alex

Recently I have seen many calls - from friends and strangers alike - for men to speak up more on the issue of domestic abuse and gendered violence。 One post in particular I saw specifically requested that men repost it, and that not doing so was tacit endorsement of the status quo。 I was pulled into the classic double bind of armchair activism, ignore the post and feel guilty, or share the post knowing that you only did do to alleviate your guilt。It then occurred to me that there was another alt Recently I have seen many calls - from friends and strangers alike - for men to speak up more on the issue of domestic abuse and gendered violence。 One post in particular I saw specifically requested that men repost it, and that not doing so was tacit endorsement of the status quo。 I was pulled into the classic double bind of armchair activism, ignore the post and feel guilty, or share the post knowing that you only did do to alleviate your guilt。It then occurred to me that there was another alternative, actually engaging with the issue on a much deeper level。 I decided to read this incredible book。 I’m glad I did, because entire web of actions that forms a pattern of domestic abuse is so much more complex than any short post could hope to explain。 I’d encourage anyone I know to do the same, especially men。 I must admit, I had a very arrogant outlook on this previously, a know-it-all attitude about social issues and the knowledge that I would never physically harm a woman led me to believe that I was doing enough。 In reality this is slightly less than the bare minimum。 One woman per week in Australia is killed by a man she’s been intimate with, we’re familiar with the stat but not so much with the underlying causes of why this happens。 In reality the conversation we need to have is about entrenched cultural ideas around gender roles。 The fact that I am physically wincing while typing the word ‘patriarchy’ is almost self evident proof of its power。 It could be because it gets thrown about in insufferable Twitter circle-jerks, but more likely because I have learned to be terrified of displaying feminine qualities。 This book presents a number of nightmarish depictions of abuse, but the most terrifying story of all was of a man who was a loving and devoted partner for years without incident, but when his wife fell pregnant he almost overnight turned into a total monster。 No doubt it was the manifestation of shame, festering away beneath the surface until the right trigger happened to unleash it。 What is incredibly unsettling about this was the realisation that with the right trigger I could become that guy。 Like many men, I carry around a burden of shame that remains hidden behind a facade curated to fit the archetype of what a man should be。 Doing so is not only a disservice to yourself, it can be a ticking time bomb that explodes into the humiliated fury of an abusive partner。 Domestic abuse is first a foremost a tragedy for the victim, but it is also a tragedy for the perpetrator, abusive men were once little boys, often vulnerable, tender and shy, who just wanted love and to be loved。 They didn’t dream of growing up to exert power of women, yet somewhere along the line they learned that if they didn’t bury those traits and cultivate themselves into a portrait of masculine dominance that they would be subjugated to the dominance of ‘real men’ in the ‘real world’。 This is one of a number of cultural myths that serves no purpose other than to perpetuate a cycle of human misery, and a solution is not something that can be summarised in a post like this。 However, a few thoughts: taking an oath to condemn DV is as pointless as condemning cancer, don’t bother。 You also don’t need to join a hashtag Lynch mob, ‘check your privilege’ or any other narcissistic wank。 Instead, I think we should try to exercise those natural qualities which are thoroughly beaten out of us for being associated with the feminine。 Being expressive, in tune with our human needs, and willing to deal with painful experiences we’ve long since buried rather than letting them fester behind a carefully curated mask that protects us from the ridicule of other men。 Continuing to repress or avoid traumatic experiences, or act in a way that doesn’t align with our true values results in projecting that suffering onto others and continue to cause a drain on society。 Stop doing it and you’ll avoid falling into the trap of becoming an abuser yourself。 。。。more

Taina

Rankka ja tärkeä katsaus etenkin miesten harjoittamaan perheväkivaltaan (engl。 domestic abuse kattaa myös erilaiset hallinta- ja alistuskeinot) Australiassa ja Briteissä。 Kirjassa käydään läpi syyt, seuraukset ja korjausehdotukset tieteellisten tutkimusten valossa。 Käytännön esimerkit ovat karmaisevia ja esimerkiksi poliisin toiminta näyttäytyy usein kyseenalaisena。 Teoksessa perustellaan vakuuttavasti myös se, miksi naiset eivät vain jätä väkivaltaisia miehiään (kirjassa keskitytään heterosuhte Rankka ja tärkeä katsaus etenkin miesten harjoittamaan perheväkivaltaan (engl。 domestic abuse kattaa myös erilaiset hallinta- ja alistuskeinot) Australiassa ja Briteissä。 Kirjassa käydään läpi syyt, seuraukset ja korjausehdotukset tieteellisten tutkimusten valossa。 Käytännön esimerkit ovat karmaisevia ja esimerkiksi poliisin toiminta näyttäytyy usein kyseenalaisena。 Teoksessa perustellaan vakuuttavasti myös se, miksi naiset eivät vain jätä väkivaltaisia miehiään (kirjassa keskitytään heterosuhteisiin)。 Sanoisinpa, että patriarkaatti ja sukupuoliroolien ahtaus roskikseen。 Suosittelen! 。。。more

Valfreyja White

One of the most resonating quotes, found on page one-hundred and ten by the Author Margaret Atwood; “Why do women feel threatened by men?”They’re afraid of being killed。” Why do men feel threatened by women?” They’re afraid that women will laugh at them。”*Mine* - It can feel impossible to report an assault when you’ve grown up with mental health issues because the abuser will use this against you。 You give up the idea that anyone can help because ‘who’s going to believe someone like that’。In cha One of the most resonating quotes, found on page one-hundred and ten by the Author Margaret Atwood; “Why do women feel threatened by men?”They’re afraid of being killed。” Why do men feel threatened by women?” They’re afraid that women will laugh at them。”*Mine* - It can feel impossible to report an assault when you’ve grown up with mental health issues because the abuser will use this against you。 You give up the idea that anyone can help because ‘who’s going to believe someone like that’。In chapter eight; Survivor Nicole Lee quoted her experience with anorexia that I feel as if she’d just spoken my mind。 Having anorexia growing up as an adolescent was one thing but combined with trauma it is something else entirely。 *Book* - Lee says; “when you’re starving, you can’t think。 If I can’t think, I don’t have to acknowledge what’s going on。 I don’t have to feel what’s going on。 I can just be completely outside of my body。 I couldn’t control anything else around me, but I could control what I ate。” *Mine* One of the most insidious tactics used against me was the idea that if I “complied” then I would be “rewarded” for that compliance。 It’s b*****t, there is no relief。 It’s a sadistic mind game that you don’t realise at the time because he’s promising you a moment of refuge, a moment, just one goddamn moment of freedom。 You become so consumed in this belief you can’t see it for how it truly is。 The refuge never comes。 *Book* - “They painted him like gold and made me look crazy, psychotic。 If no one believes me maybe I should just shut up and let it happen because what’s the point”。 Without proof, It’s her word against his - and her story is so crazy, it sounds implausible。 In domestic abuse, omnipotence is demonstrated to make the victim feel that no matter what she does, escape is impossible。 Whether a woman stays or leaves is irrelevant to a man determined to punish and control her。” “Coercive control is a very particular kind of violence。 Coercive controllers don’t just abuse their partners to hurt, humiliate or punish them。 They don’t use violence to seize power at the moment or gain an advantage in a fight。 Instead, they use particular techniques - isolation, gaslighting, surveillance - to strip the victim of their liberty, and take away their sense of control。 Abusers can alternate between kindness and punishment until the victim is left disoriented and confused。 The aim of coercive control is total domination。”“It’s not a crime to say something happened when it didn’t - to say it so many times that you break her sense of what’s real。”The victim is subjected to relentless surveillance。 As her sense of self deteriorates, her abuser occupies and defines more of her reality。 If she has a place she feels safe - work, church, even the supermarket - he colonises them。 Some abusers aren’t satisfied until they have degraded their victim to the point of utter despair。 The victim is forced to violate her principles and to betray her basic human attachments。”What do you do when nothing is safe, private or sane? How do you live with that。。。 the knowledge that this will be normality from now on。 。。。more

Ben Scobie

If you are human, read this book。

Susan Abbey

Wow! - what can I write - I listened to this on DVD book tape over a series of 2 weeks, harrowing, enlightening, saddening and inspiring。 I am left with a lot of questions, why has the legal system, such as family law changed so much - government agencies of police and child protection are nobbled to provide true clear help to victims。 Congratulations Jess Hill for stepping up and exposing what Should be fixed。

Taylor Douglas

A powerful book which changed most of my views and perceptions of this issue。 I love how Jess explains both sides of the issue, explaining the common falsehoods and even though it's easy enough to see her own pre-existing views, she puts these aside and shows a genuine commitment to represent the whole issue, in all it's complexities and challenges。 A powerful book which changed most of my views and perceptions of this issue。 I love how Jess explains both sides of the issue, explaining the common falsehoods and even though it's easy enough to see her own pre-existing views, she puts these aside and shows a genuine commitment to represent the whole issue, in all it's complexities and challenges。 。。。more

Fatima Sarder

“Domestic abuse occurs on a spectrum of power and control。 At the highest end, perpetrators micromanage the lives of their victims, prevent them from seeing friends and family, track their movements and force them to obey a unique set of rules。” ― Jess Hill"See what you made me do," is a quote I heard often while growing up。 It led to feelings of guilt and never being good enough as my siblings and I strived to attain the ever sky-rocketing pinnacle of perfection needed to please my father。And s “Domestic abuse occurs on a spectrum of power and control。 At the highest end, perpetrators micromanage the lives of their victims, prevent them from seeing friends and family, track their movements and force them to obey a unique set of rules。” ― Jess Hill"See what you made me do," is a quote I heard often while growing up。 It led to feelings of guilt and never being good enough as my siblings and I strived to attain the ever sky-rocketing pinnacle of perfection needed to please my father。And so I gave up。 The standard he set was too high, too cruel and too soul-breakingly torturous to maintain。 The rules he set out was for our 'protection'。 Cloistered and in the house we were kept, to breathe at his whim, shouldering the dreams and goals my father could not achieve because he was too busy fulfilling his wanderlust by globe-trotting。Enough about that。This book is a powerful and a shockingly honest narrative about the way domestic violence occurs。 In the modern world, it's not fists and bruises anymore。 It's coercion, control and premeditated behavior leading to gaslightning and victim blaming。 The violence starts with a seemingly innocent intention (it's for your protection。 You don't need to work。。。) and escalates into a controlling trap as intricately woven and subtle as a spider's web。 。。。more

Genevieve

Profound。Every Australian should read this book。

Leigh Isabella

This is extremely well-researched, and the author has interviewed many people connected to domestic abuse, including victims, their families, the abusers themselves where possible and also police officers, social workers, court-appointed experts, domestic abuse charity workers and more。 There are a lot of graphic descriptions of violence but they aren't written down for salacious purposes。 She writes with compassion and the desire to understand。 This book has really helped me to understand my ow This is extremely well-researched, and the author has interviewed many people connected to domestic abuse, including victims, their families, the abusers themselves where possible and also police officers, social workers, court-appointed experts, domestic abuse charity workers and more。 There are a lot of graphic descriptions of violence but they aren't written down for salacious purposes。 She writes with compassion and the desire to understand。 This book has really helped me to understand my own past relationships as well as the work I do (I help domestic abuse victims with support to give evidence in court)。 In fact, one of the cases I actually worked on was quoted in the book, which was surprising as I work in Scotland and this is an Australian book - just goes to show how much effort the author has put in to her research and showing domestic abuse as a global problem。 I would recommend this book to anyone with an interest in domestic abuse - personal or professional。 。。。more

blessedbookmumma

A great read that gives an insight into the blight of domestic abuse on Australian society。 Tears, joy and anger all flowed through me listening to this book。